Tiki Talk Talk Show: Monologue Jokes 10/24/2013 - 10/4/2013

Been a while huh? Well here are some new jokes fo yo ass. Some of these may end up in episode 5 too. Enjoy! 

10/24/13

Moxilla's new Lightbeam tool will finally give you the ability to find out which third parties are following your every movement online. Unfortunately, the tool will not be able to keep them from blackmailing you with your favorites list on Youporn. 

After losing quarterback Sam Bradford to an injury last week the St. Louis Rams were so desperate for a replacement that they actually put in a call to Brett Favre this week. Favre rejected their offer by texting them an image of his penis. Or accepted. They're actually still not sure what it means. 

...Rams GM Les Snead said he feared for the worst when Sam Bradford got hurt, but now he is even more afraid that Favre will actually come out of retirement again. 

...Favre rejected their offer immediately saying, "I got that Wrangler Jeans money now!" 

Boston Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester was accused by multiple media outlets of having "something" in his glove during Game 1 of the World Series. We asked leather glove expert Sean Connery, and this is what he had to say, "You can see it's a leather glove, and on the inside, a smattering of vaseline. I know a thing or two about vaseline... If you don't believe me, ask your mother about last night!" 

10/23/13

A couple has pleaded guilty to performing oral sex on each other during a flight to Las Vegas in June. The stewardesses didn't notice until the couple got into an argument about whether the man would reciprocate. 

...The stewardesses didn't notice until the man shouted, "Aw shit you didn't shave again Denise?!" 

...The stewardesses didn't notice until the woman broke a passenger's arm which she was squeezing during climax. 

In the Netherlands an old plane from the 60's was repurposed as an on the ground hotel suite for two. The hotel's slogan is "When you stay with us you'll never experience any turbulence, unless you are the ones making it." 

The U.S. Navy announced Tuesday that the former aircraft carrier USS Forrestal had been sold for scrap for one penny. Senator John McCain justified the sale by saying, "Hey, when I was growing up, they hadn't even invented pennies yet!"

...And we wonder why the government is out of money, they are horrible business people!

...Here's a list of other things you can buy for one penny: 

...They originally planned to put it on the market for $1 but there were no Dollar Tree Stores with enough room to house the vessel.

10/22/13

"Krokodil," a new highly addictive drug that causes sores, gum rotting, and necrosis is making it's way to America. Halloween experts are calling it the most authentic zombie costume ever.  

Country star Dolly Parton was involved in a minor fender bender in Tennessee on Monday. Parton believes her ample busoms were her saving grace saying, "You can learn all that there is to know about their ways in a month, and yet after a hundred years they can still surprise you at a pinch.” (Who knew she was such a fan of Lord of the Rings!)

...You're not alone, we also did not believe that she could bend an entire fender in half. 

A Swedish journalist covering a cycling event in North Korea had more than 90 photos deleted from his memory card before he was allowed to leave the country. North Korean officials said they treat everyone as if they were a spy, especially those sneaky Swedes. 

...North Korean officials said it was just part of a new Las Vegas-like tourism campaign called, "What Happens in Glorious North Korea Stays In Glorious North Korea." 

Facebook has stirred up a storm with a controversial decision to lift a ban on violent videos, including beheadings. The decision was made just days after Facebook hired The Queen of Hearts as its new CEO.

The Chinese city of Harbin has been blanketed by a thick layer of smog caused by a lack of wind. Chinese officials are asking the entire city to eat more beans to help clear away the pollution quickly. 

...Chinese officials revealed that the smog is actually a socialist program designed to bring free cigarette smoke to it's entire country.  

...Chinese officials said that this isn't usually a problem, as the wind usually just blows everything into the next town.  (No that's really what they said.)

...Many residents were not too concerned because they had already been wearing surgical masks for years anyways. 

10/18/13

Director Michael Bay was assaulted by a man in Hong Kong with an air conditioning unit on the set of Transformers 4. Witnesses said Bay avoided the attack in slow motion while they air from the unit blew his hair back in a raw sexual manner.  

Researchers in the eastern European country of Georgia unearthed a 1.8 million year old skull belonging to our ancestors the Homo genus. A little further analysis of the skulls DNA revealed that the skull actually belonged to Larry King's father. 

A softball-sized eyeball that washed up on the beach in Florida last week has been identified as a swordfish eye. This confirms recent reports of a band of swordfish pirates that have been terrorizing people off the coast of Florida by making them watch the movie Swordfish without the famous topless Halle Berry scene. 

NASA revealed that an asteroid which passed by Earth in September could potentially hit us in less than 20 years when it returns. They likened it to Chris Brown and Rihanna's relationship on a cosmic scale.  

...Experts say the asteroid pulled a Bruce Willis and left angrily when it received a lowball offer from Touchstone Pictures to star in Armageddon 2.  

10/16/13

Jenny McCarthy is close to being let go from "The View" according to anonymous insiders who were quoted saying, "viewers want to tune out the second she opens her mouth..." They went on to say that it's mostly their male demographic, which is finally realizing that McCarthy will probably never take her shirt off on the show. 

A student at a high school in Texas committed suicide on Tuesday when he shot himself in the head. Authorities found a note on his body saying, "I told Mrs. Singer I wouldn't be taking that test, I guess I showed her didn't I!" 

10/4/13

The Huffington Post reported that they obtained a small fish called a Pacu which is known for eating men's testicles while they swim.  The editor in chief said it's just another method they use to avoid reporting any real news on their site.

A mountain lion was spotted prowling the streets of southeast Washington D.C. Wednesday night. It was later determined that it wasn't a mountain lion after all, but a cougar; super sexy Senator Kirsten Gillibrand!

In a recent interview with People Magazine romantic Meg Ryan explained why she has not been in a movie since 2009.  She said she's been waiting for the sequel to You've Got Mail, The Sweet Retweet: I'll Follow You If You Follow Me. 

Thanks for reading guys!