Tiki Talk: Monologue Jokes 12/18/13 - 12/26/13

12/26/13

Twilight actor Kellan Lutz is reportedly hooking up with Miley Cyrus. In a related story Lutz has been added to the Megan's Law website as a potential "little boy lover."

Traffic cops in Florida handed out lottery tickets to speeding drivers on Christmas day. The cops told drivers that if they won, they could either pay for the entire fine immediately, or make smaller payments for the next 20 years. 

Apple has announced a deal with China Mobile to begin offering iPhones in China. The deal is said to be highly controversial, since no family is allowed more than one iPhone. 

Despite the FCC's plan to lift the ban on cellphone use on airplanes in the near future, airline companies are not eager to change their own rules. I really don't know why, who wouldn't want to be sitting really close to two people talking to their mothers about why they're still single at 43? 

Gamers who didn't preorder an Xbox One or a Playstation 4 are having a hard time finding one in stores this holiday season. They're all too afraid to leave their houses and interact with the outside world.

...Most of them don't have enough money after spending it all on Cheetos and Mountain Dew.

...Meanwhile Nintendo is STILL not doing anything to capitalize on this. 

The gamers who actually got a hold of either an Xbox One or a PS4 have been complaining about the poor sampling of games on the brand new consoles. Nintendo is capitalizing on this by saying, "why don't you pick up a Nintendo Wii U? It's way cheaper and it also doesn't have any games worth playing!"

Customers were outraged this Christmas when UPS was unable to deliver all of its packages on time. Because it's definitely not anyone's fault for waiting till the last minute to go online and click some buttons. 

...Because they're gonna be the ones explaining to my kids why Santa was late with the gifts this year! 

...A representative from the delivery website said, "Our men are tired, sore, and very raw, they need time to rest, recuperate, and get back that youthful energy our customers expect." 

McDonald's has shut down its employee resource website, McResource Line, after a graphic was put up advising employees to not eat at the restaurant. McDonald's said it was an attempt to "get our employees to seem better than our customers."

12/18/13

The European Space Agency is launching a new billion-pixel camera into space to map the Milky Way. The camera is so sensitive it could actually measure a person's thumbnail from the moon, or more impressively, actually locate and measure Lauren Conrad's personality. 

...NASA said this camera is in no way an attempt to spy on aliens having sex with each other.  

Surgeons in China grafted a man's hand to his calf after it was cut off at the factory he works at. He said, "It might not be where I wanted it but now when I play soccer, I no longer get called for hand-balls."