Hey guys! Thanks for stopping by to read this. This is my first blog post on the site and I wanted to make sure it would be something you would all hopefully find at least mildly entertaining. I got the idea from Jonas Polsky on Twitter, a very funny dude with a lot of very funny tweets. @JonasPolsky if you want to give him a follow. The basic premise of this is to write several jokes about topical news stories that would appear in an opening monologue on a show like Conan O'Brien's. So here goes:
A 9 year old Massachusetts boy is said to have been the victim of child abuse and negligence after appearing in sexually suggestive and materialistic rap videos posted online. The boy's dad defended letting him be in the videos saying, "Hey man, at least he's not hitting Rihanna."
Ben Affleck's Argo won Best Picture at the Oscars on Sunday. Shortly thereafter it was officially declared by the internet that Ar-go-f*** yourself jokes have been played out.
France's Defense Minister has made an official statement regarding the kidnapping of a French family in Cameroon by Islamist rebels, stating that his country will not negotiate with them. He went on to say that he has a very particular set of skills, skills that he has acquired over a very long career. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like the Islamist rebels. He said that if they let the family go now, that'll be the end of it. He will not look for them, he will not pursue them. But if they don't, he will look for them, he will find them, and he will kill them.
Taber McCallum, CEO of Paragon Space Development Corp, and millionaire Dennis Tito are planning on sending a married couple into space to circle around the planet Mars by 2018. Water and oxygen will be recycled and used over and over again during the journey. No word yet however on whether there will be enough room on the ship for "his" and "hers" sinks.
A man from Maine was recently charged with disorderly conduct for whistling too loudly in downtown Portland. The city however stated that he can continue to whistle as long as he keeps moving and doesn't stay in one spot. The man later released a statement saying he will only be "movin' on up if I move at all."
Park Geun-hye made history on Monday when she was elected as South Korea's first female president. The election is so progressive that the Democratic National Committee is already making plans to back a hermaphroditic candidate for 2016's presidential election.
A woman is suing San Diego Christian College for firing her in October after learning she was pregnant and had had premarital sex. Despite the lawsuit the school is now taking steps to expel several students for passing around suggestive notes in class. No one is sure however why these students aren't just texting the notes to each other.
Once again thanks for reading! And don't be afraid to tell me I suck in the comments. That's the kind of thing that helps me grow as a comedian. At least that's what they tell me...