Tiki Talk Talk Show: Monologue Jokes 3/14/13

I am having a ton of fun writing these jokes; there have been a lot of fun things to joke about in the news this week. Welp, here we go! 

A state judge has halted New York City's proposed ban on large soda drinks. The ban on Pink's music in public stores however will go through on Tuesday as planned. 

A Swiss soccer player was bitten by a wild pine marten on Sunday when the animal got loose on the field. The player is not scheduled to participate in the team's next game which will occur during a full moon. 

US Marines have been told to conserve bullets and gasoline as budget cuts in Washington continue to roll out. As a result the USO has added banana clips and hand grenades to its list of acceptable care package items to send to soldiers overseas. 

Philadelphia Eagles quarterback and convicted dog fighter Michael Vick was forced to cancel a series of book signings after threats of violence were made against him and the bookstores he would be signing at. The protesters, all from Philadelphia, said that 24 interceptions in two seasons is just unacceptable.

Jenelle Evans, star of MTV's "Teen Mom 2," is back in rehab for heroin addiction. Producers of the show are thrilled that they don't have to do any work this coming season to make the show interesting. 

The Cardinals in the Vatican selected a new pope on Wednesday after a relatively short two day conclave. They have yet to select a quarterback worthy of throwing to wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald, however. 

A 12 year old in Detroit brought $20,000 in cash to school and began handing it out to her classmates this week. Officials said she had not only sold all her baby teeth to the Tooth Fairy, but mortgaged her adult teeth as well. 

A pair of tortoises in England started a fire and burned to death when they knocked over their heat lamp while trying to "get it on." The local zoo is now offering free safe sex courses for tortoises and telling them to slow it down even more.

On Wednesday another Carnival Cruise ship, The Dream, experienced electrical malfunctions at port in the Caribbean. Passengers were not allowed to leave the ship which experienced a power outage and plumbing issues. One passenger said that the trip, "...finally felt like a real carnival. Nothing was working properly, the food sucked, and I was afraid for my life." 

Thanks for reading you guys! If you missed the last two weeks or are only just now finding out about my blog the other two entries are below. And once again don't hesitate to let me know what you think, I love feedback, good or bad!