Tiki Talk Talk Show: Monologue Jokes 3/28/13

Kim Kardashian is thinking about having her baby in Paris. Absolutely no one is worried that the baby will never get the chance to run for president of the United States.

The FBI is investigating the "suspicious" death of a woman on a cruise ship off the East Coast over the weekend. Their one stumbling block so far has been finding a way to reanimate the corpse of Agatha Christie and getting it to solve the murder.

In a new video on Funny or Die, Jim Carrey mocked the late Charlton Heston, polarizing his fans. Even more incendiary was his live one man show at the Apollo entitled "You Damn Dirty Apes!"

A new study has found that the virus that causes cold sores may also lead to a decline in cognitive abilities. Thanks to this discovery doctors are now able to diagnose patients as being "dumb sluts."

One of Justin Beiber's neighbors accused the singer of assault despite the fact that he had performed at a concert in Poland the night before. Authorities said that the neighbor had actually gotten into a fight with a newly blonde Liza Minnelli.

A pair of teenagers in Virginia attempted to poison their teacher by putting hand sanitizer into her tea. The teacher ended up being completely fine. Apparently she has spent the last few years building up an immunity to both iocane powder AND liquid hand sanitizer.

Pope Francis spent Holy Thursday washing and kissing the feet of 12 young detainees at a penitentiary for minors. Only the male minors were lucky enough to get what the Pope coyly referred to as "The Works." 

A new study has shown that the testosterone level in a man will decrease when he is around a woman who is dating a close friend. Finally, we have scientific evidence proving that "bros" really do come before "hos."

Thanks fuh readin' ma jokes!