Here's round two of my Topical Jokes Exercise! Thanks for all your positive wordage last week. You guys are fantastic and I love mostly all of you! Don't try to guess who I don't love because it won't be obvious. It's also not true. I love all of you! Aaaand here goes:
North Korea threatened the United States on Thursday with a preemptive nuclear strike, prompting the U.N. Security Council to pass tougher sanctions on the dictatorship. Experts however, are saying not to worry because North Korea is still years away from developing the necessary technology to mount a warhead onto a missile and accurately hit anything. They are very concerned however about North Korea's new potato gun which can shoot as far as two football fields end to end.
Al Qaeda spokesman and son in law of Osama bin Laden, Sulaiman Abu Ghaith, has been captured and brought to the U.S. on charges of conspiring to kill US Nationals. He was traded for Osama bin Laden's Uncle Steve, Left handed pitcher Andy Pettitte, and a pack of cigarettes.
Scientists have discovered that dolphins can call to each other with distinct clicks that they believe represent names. They may be highly intelligent and endlessly adorable but gosh are they delicious when they accidentally end up in my can of tuna!
On Tuesday the head of the TSA revealed that pocketknives shorter than 2.36 inches and no wider than half an inch will once again be permitted on flights in the US starting on April 25. Thankfully there is still no size limit on vibrating dildos. Except for what's comfortable AM I RIGHT LADIES!?!?!
A New York teen's daily trip to school has been found to be one of the longest in the world. His trip consists of taking two buses and two subways and totals about 5 hours round trip. My grandfather contends that it still doesn't compare to his three mile trek uphill in the snow both ways.
On Monday, a letter written to Senator Rand Paul by Attorney General Eric Holder revealed that President Obama could legally launch drone strikes against American citizens on US soil. While Holder stressed that the President will likely never have to actually use drones on American soil, his letter completely left out anything about the threat of Skynet doing so.
On Monday reality TV star Honey Boo Boo joined the Girl Scouts of the USA as a brownie. When her mother June Shannon was asked whether or not she would try to eat her daughter now that she was a brownie her response was, "as long as we don't run out of Girl Scout cookies there shouldn't be a problem."
Thanks for reading folks! If you want to see me perform stand up at the Punchline on April 3rd, click HERE or go to the Upcoming Shows page to get the deets. It's free if you let me know you're coming ahead of time. Have a great weekend everyone!