Tiki Talk Talk Show: Monologue Jokes 4/9/13

Another patient infected with the H7N9 influenza virus has died in China. He tripped and fell down a flight of stairs.

The Navy plans to deploy a high powered laser weapon on one of their battleships in 2014. They plan on shining it into the eyes of jet pilots to make them crash. 

United Airlines is bringing back its 787 Dreamliner in May after it was grounded worldwide for battery issues. To slow the drain on the batteries they simply turned off the WiFi switch, turned down the screen brightness, and shut off location services and notifications.

Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has died at the age of 87. But don't be sad because Meryl Streep has been asked by the British government to play the politician in real life saying she is, "more convincing in the role."

Justin Bieber has been fined $2,000 for tattooing a friend. That's right it was so bad his friend sued him for $2,000.

The "Holy Grail" of baseball cards, which features the 1909 Pittsburgh Pirates shortstop Honus Wagner, was sold for $2.1 million. The buyer said he plans to drink water out of it and live forever.

In a recent interview Jada Pinkett Smith spoke about how open her marriage is with Will Smith saying, "...you can do whatever you want as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and be okay" In a separate interview Will Smith slyly told an interviewer that he sold all of the mirrors in his house years ago.

Thanks for reading ladies and gents!