Tiki Talk Talk Show: Monologue Jokes 5/9/13

The Obama Administration is appealing a court order that lifts age limits from the purchase of the morning after pill. Very upsetting news for anyone who was hoping for morning after pills shaped like characters from the Flintstones. 

A Pennsylvania woman who disappeared 11 years ago after dropping off her kids at school has finally reappeared. Authorities had trouble finding her because she had disappeared in a magic trick in The Incredible Burt Wonderstone which of course, no one saw.

...Authorities said she was completely fine, except that when they found her she was trying to pick up her children at the school. 

A pair of twins has broken the world record for longest time between births at a staggering 87 days. The weirdest part? Both twins became pregnant during the same menage a trois.

More than thirty arrests have been made in relation to a diamond heist that occurred in Belgium in February. Police arrested 24 Belgians, eight Swiss, and George Clooney. 

Lakers point guard Steve Nash is denying his estranged wife child support because he's afraid she might spoil his kids. This accusation comes after she had forgotten to put leftovers away 47 different times.

...He probably should have thought twice before marrying a gilf.

The Pentagon is saying that China is using cyber attacks to try and extract sensitive information on national defense programs. Although they haven't gotten through they were able to hack President Obama's Netflix account and fill his queue with every Cuba Gooding Jr. movie that isn't Jerry Maguire. 

According to a new study, hospitals in the U.S. are wasting billions of dollars each year by having their staff rely on archaic forms of communication such as pagers. Even more costly however, are the thousands of cases of lung cancer caused by the use of smoke signals. 

...The study was conducted by posting bulletins on hospital workers' Myspace pages.

Students in London have created a pair of masks that can give the wearer superhuman sight and hearing. Now they can finally see and hear all the mean things the jocks say about them from across campus. Nerds. 

A mom in Michigan is claiming that some passages in The Diary of Anne Frank are too pornographic for middle school students to read. She said it's mostly the chapters where the Nazi's come inside and "look under her floorboards."

Thanks for reading pals! Sorry it took me so long, for those one or two die hard fans. You know who you are!?