Tiki Talk Talk Show: Monologue Jokes 5/24/13

In an effort to help preserve a bit of Chinese history, Lam Chun-fai Sifu has authored the first English-language manual for Hung Kuen, a Southern Chinese form of Kung Fu. The manual is so deadly that Democrats are pushing for mandatory background checks on those who want to buy it in the U.S.

A sample of the legendary Mahatma Gandhi's blood, among other personal items of his, is going to be sold at auction in England on Tuesday. The sellers, a secret cabal of vampire hunters, plan to use the high profile blood sample to finally draw out Dracula and kill him once and for all.

An Australian politician was injured during his morning jog when he was attacked by a wild kangaroo. Authorities have yet to identify the kangaroo in question but they believe he used a Winchester 1886 Short rifle based on shell casings found nearby. 

An annual State Department survey of nearly 200 countries showed little improvement in religious freedom worldwide. Proctors of the survey said it was difficult to know just how accurate the survey was when in most countries survey takers had guns pointed at their heads.

The Navy has for the first time, successfully launched an unmanned drone from the deck of an aircraft carrier. Their next goal is to have it land on an aircraft carrier. Researchers are working feverishly to accomplish this before the drone's fuel supply runs out.

The Shimmy Club, a nightclub in Scotland, is under fire for installing a two-way mirror in their ladies room and selling viewing booths for men to watch. Most of the women said they would have been fine with it except that the mirror had been installed backwards and they weren't able to apply makeup to their faces. 

Prague public transport company Ropid is planning to open "love train" carriages on its metro for passengers who are single. Cover charges will be equivalent to $20 U.S. and a mesh and leather dress code will be strictly enforced. 

...So if you're wondering why you're being groped on the way to work it may just be that you've gotten onto the wrong train.

A man using a camera to capture ghostly activity in his house was surprised to instead find footage of his girlfriend and son having sex. Even though it wasn't what he hoped to see the man said that he still found the footage to be "very haunting."

In light of the recent tornado devastation in Oklahoma, CBS has decided to preempt an episode of its hit sitcom Mike and Molly which mentions a tornado hitting Chicago. CBS said it will air the episode later when the victims of the attack all have TV again and can watch the episode.

Thanks for reading ladies and gents. Happy Memorial Day Weekend! Remember the troops while you nom-nom on some burgers and stuff!