Pretty much all of these stories are from last week and the jokes are not my best. But hopefully some of them are worth reading. Enjoy!
Some 20 MLB players are facing suspension as allegations have been made that they used performance enhancing drugs or PED's. The allegations were later dropped when PED was found to actually stand for Pretty Energetic Dudes.
...The charges were later dropped when it was found that the NHL had made the allegations to try and get people to watch hockey instead of baseball.
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is saying that gas tanks on older Jeep Grand Cherokees are a safety hazard that could lead to deadly fires in traffic accidents. Shortly thereafter Jeep released a statement saying, "it's not our fault if the gas tanks have started smoking, we told them it was a filthy and dangerous habit."
Scientists have discovered a brand new species of ancient primate that may be another link to our evolutionary past. The fossil recovered showed two distinct similarities to us, a strikingly similar Achilles tendon and an affinity for bacon.
Michelle Obama was heckled recently at a fund raiser in Washington DC. One table near the front just wouldn't shut up so she had security remove them; but not before she called into question the size of each man's penis sitting at the table.
Prince Phillip, husband to England's Queen Elizabeth II, has been admitted to a hospital in London for "exploratory surgery" on his abdomen. The surgery will be a 5 year mission, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go WHERE NO SURGEON HAS GONE BEFORE!!!
Senate leaders said Thursday that the government's top secret order to obtain "meta data" from cell phone companies such as Verizon was completely legal. Whether or not it is in fact legal most Americans are still just trying to figure out what "meta data" even is.
Civil rights groups filed a complaint this week against Texas Judge Edith Jones for saying that minorities are prone to violence. She said she was only trying to prove her own equality by showing that old white women can be just as racist as old white men.
Justin Bieber has announced that he will be joining Ashton Kutcher on Richard Branson's first Virgin Galactic SpaceShip Two flight. Branson later revealed in a blog post that it's actually part of a plan to trap unwanted celebrities in a space ship and send them directly into the sun.
Thanks for reading!