Tiki Talk Talk Show: Monologue Jokes 7/8/13

7/8/13

Jim Carey tweeted an apology to gun owners for disparaging comments he made about them in June. He also thanked several of them for visiting him at his home in Los Angeles and showing him their extensive gun collections in person. 

According to People magazine model and actress Stacey Keibler has broken off her two year relationship with George Clooney. She said she wanted kids and was afraid to have to have sex with "his old man penis" to do it.

The Obama administration has selected 43 more technology specialists as Presidential Innovation Fellows to help the government devise new ways to operate better and save money. So far Obama is not pleased as all of their suggestions involve shutting down excess government programs.

Amanda Bynes is at it again with yet another mean spirited tweet saying, "Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are ugly!" Barack Obama didn't miss a beat though when he quickly responded with, "Um... have you looked in a mirror lately...? #GROSS." 

After eating popsicles for several days in a row a patient tested positive for a dangerous mold fungus. It was later determined that the popsicles had all taken showers at a YMCA locker room without wearing any shower shoes. 

Though NSA leaker Edward Snowden's options seem to be dwindling, several countries are still willing to offer him asylum. Those countries are Venezuela, Bolivia, Nicaragua, and the mysterious District 13 from The Hunger Games. 

A day after former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer announced his campaign for city comptroller, he was issued a direct challenge for the post by a woman who says she was the madam who supplied him with escorts. Spitzer says that while she may end up being a formidable opponent, he is much more worried about going up against his drug dealer Carl. 

7/2/13

Rumors that U.S. intelligence leaker Edward Snowden hitched a ride on the Bolivian presidential jet forced the plane's temporary grounding in Austria Tuesday. Austrian authorities were disappointed when they did not find Snowden aboard the plane but were cheered up when the Bolivian President invited them to an on board "hookers and blow fiesta." 

Thanks for reading guys! And don't be afraid to send me feedback because it helps me get better!