The Jokes of Episode 3

Below are my notes for the jokes of Episode 3 of Epic Tiki's Tiki Talk Talk Show with Special Guest Ellis Rodriguez. I've embedded the video as well in case you haven't seen it yet. Enjoy!

A zoo in China has been caught trying to pass off a dog as an African lion. Which is interesting since they have not yet been caught trying to pass off dog as food.

According to a new report by the U.S. Department of Agriculture the cost of raising a child has gone up in recent years. It now costs an arm and a leg and an entire will to live. 

83 year-old gangster James "Whitey" Bulger is receiving a life sentence in prison after being convicted on 31 of 32 counts including several murders. The 83-year-old has received a life sentence which should really teach him a lesson during the last several years of his life. (That'll teach him won't it!)

Elon Musk, the man behind Space X and Tesla has released plans for a high-speed tube transportation system that would be able to whisk passengers from New York to Los Angeles in 45 minutes. Experts say it's promising technology, as long as he can find a way for passengers to avoid those pesky fireball spewing plant monsters.

...Critics of the specs Musk released point out that obese people would not fit into the tube cars as designed. Musk quickly shut them down however when he said, "Have you ever seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory before? We'll make 'em fit."  

Nasa's Juno spacecraft has reached the halfway point on its long journey to Jupiter. Once there the plucky spacecraft will study the planet with a collection of instruments that includes an ultrasound machine, a home pregnancy test, and an ironic hamburger phone. 

George Lucas and wife Mellody Hobson welcomed a brand new baby girl last Friday to join their three adopted children. The newborn however, was delivered by a surrogate, which means that either George Lucas is still a virgin, or things are getting pretty freaky over at Skywalker Ranch...

Angus T. Jones, the child star of Two and a Half Men, is said to be suffering from a break down that has caused him to join the Seventh-Day Adventist Church. His parents said they were worried and just wish he would join the Church of Scientology like a normal Hollywood star. Speaking of Scientology... (segue to Ellis's joke).

The body of a reclusive British woman was found gnawed and eaten on by her own cats. 

By Ellis Rodriguez:

A photo of Justin Bieber has surfaced on TMZ showing the 19 year old singing to his grandmother... In the nude. Justin Bieber has yet to explain why he was naked... Or more importantly why his grandmother was wearing only nipple clamps and a thong diaper.

King of Queens actress Leah Remini recently left the church of Scientology... Which makes sense because she was failing both biology and chemistry.

...Tom Cruise released a statement saying that his assassins are working to eliminate her but she is much more obscure than her ex-costar Kevin James. 

...Tom Cruise released a statement saying she was excommunicated for failing both Biology and Chemistry. 

The NFL Football season is starting. Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones was recently quoted as saying "The Dallas cowboys are winning the Super Bowl this year period." He also predicted that Paula Dean would win this years NAACP award and that Aaron Hernandez would win the Nobel Peace prize.

Dominos pizza recently apologized to a customer who wrote to them on their corporate Facebook page. The customer wrote "Best Pizza Ever! Pan Pizza :) Keep up the good work guys!". In other news... Kate Upton has recently apologized to her fans for her being too hot. On behalf of Ricki, Eric Tahiti the tiki idol, and every one here at Epic Tiki's tiki talk talk show... you are forgiven Kate Upton. You not so much dominoes... Get it together

Science has brought us glowing rabbits. Researchers in Hawaii and Turkey have recently created bunnies that glow in the dark. As to why he created glow in the dark bunnies... Dr. Elmer Fudd said "those wascally wabbits awe gonna make gweat wabbits feet key chains. He he he"