The Jokes of Episode 4

Jonathan Rhys Meyers has denied his involvement with the next Star Wars movie saying, "Look, I've worked with J.J. (Abrams) but I don't believe in rumors." Star Wars fans then broke Google as they tried, all at once, to figure out who the hell Jonathan Rhys Meyers is. Aside: He's that one guy from Mission Impossible 3. 

Lucas Black, the star of The Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift has signed a deal to return to his role for the next three Fast and Furious movies. While that is cool news, um, SPOILER ALERT! Now we know they can't kill him for at least two movies.  

Ex-Patriot Wide Receiver Brandon Lloyd has left football for a role in a direct to DVD zombie flick called After Effect. 

A US Navy commander was arrested for taking bribes from a defense contractor in Singapore in exchange for exclusive contracts with the Navy. 

A stone pendulum statue was removed form the campus of GVSU in Michigan after students tried to recreate Miley Cyrus's "Wrecking Ball" music video where she rides a wrecking ball in the nude. The wrecking ball has released a statement saying, "I feel like a common mechanical bull. I am a piece of art! Not a piece of ass!"

A man was knifed by his ex-girlfriend over playing too much Eagles music in their house. I don't even want to know what she does when someone plays too much Nickelback. 

Scientists have discovered what they are calling a new species of "legless lizards" that live near Los Angeles International Airport. So far no one has had the heart to tell the scientists that what they really found was just a new species of snakes. Aside: stupid scientists.

...It should be noted that the "scientists" in this article are from Mrs. Murphy's 4th grade class.  

...The individuals who found the lizards are also not scientists which explains why they tried to make up something as ridiculous as legless lizards. 

Mexico is currently being beset by three different storms including Hurricane Manuel. Meteorologists believe the storms came about after the sky ate a bad burrito and tried to digest it. 

Dutch designer Dave Hakkens has proposed a Lego-like smartphone called Phonebloks that would allow users to swap out small components when they break or become obsolete. Critics of the idea say it will be difficult to market to parents who will no longer be able to say to their kids, "don't play with that it's not a toy!"

Longtime Nintendo president Hiroshi Yamauchi died Thursday in Japan at the age of 85. He died quietly in his home after using his last extra life mushroom. 

A U.S. court of appeals has ruled that "liking" something on Facebook is protected under the first amendment.  

Aldon Smith was arrested this morning on suspicion of DUI and marijuana possession. With the exception of Colin Kaepernick, every NFL quarterback's butt cheeks un-clenched after hearing the news. 

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