Tiki Talk Talk Show: Monologue Jokes 9/13/13

Been a while, here are some fresh jokes that will probably NOT make it into the next Epic Tiki's Tiki Talk Talk Show. So enjoy them and pretend I'm reading them out loud to you in a hilarious manner.  

9/11

A man is suing Apple for his addiction to porn claiming that the company has made it way too easy to access it. Apple has laughed the suit off saying, "...YOUR WELCOME!!!"

A man in Tokyo has already gotten in line for the iPhone 5S 10 days ahead of when the phone is scheduled to be released. He said he wanted to be the first person to get angry at it and throw it into oncoming traffic. 

McDonald's has unveiled a new multi-person meal called the "Blitz Box" which contains two Quarter Pounders with cheese, 10 Chicken McNuggets, and two medium fries. The meal is called the "Blitz Box because it's being marketed to Kansas City Chiefs fans but we all know the real reason is that it's an all out blitz on your digestive organs. 

9/10

On Thursday a man was killed by his own remote control toy helicopter in Brooklyn. Neighbors said they'd heard arguments between the man and his helicopter for several days leading up to his death.

...Authorities said the helicopter poisoned the man's cereal with ricin it had made in a secret laboratory in the basement.  

Apple unveiled their new iPhone 5S today which features a fingerprint scanner that can be used in lieu of a passcode to access the phone. Apple says the feature will be optional so that serial killers and hardcore criminals who have chewed off their thumbprints can still use the phone. 

Russell Brand was kicked out of the GQ Awards for pointing out that sponsor Hugo Boss made uniforms for the Nazi's during WWII. After kicking him out GQ editor Dylan Jones justified it by saying, "Hugo Boss may have made Nazi uniforms, but Russell Brand remade the movie Arthur, so there!" 

9/3

64-year-old Diana Nyad has just completed a 100 mile swim from Cuba to Key West with the help of a face mask designed to protect her from jellyfish. The endurance swimmer said that although she was afraid of sharks she was still more afraid of the sting of a teased high-five.

LeBron James plans to produce a TV show called "Survivor's Remorse" which will follow two people from inner city Philadelphia who have to cope with suddenly becoming rich and famous while their best friends are still struggling to make a living. The show will be called "Not One, Not Two, Not Three, Not Four, Not Five, Not Six, Not Seven, But All of Our Friends Hate Us Now"

Jennifer Lopez and Harry Connick Jr. have been named as the two new judges for the upcoming season of American Idol. The producers said they wanted someone pretty, and someone who actually knows something about singing.  

The Pittsburgh Pirates have won their 81st game this season making it their first winning season in 20 years. Pirates center fielder Andrew McCutchen said, "It's just a relief to know that after all this time we didn't catch whatever Chicago has." 

Thanks for reading friends. I love each of you in a different and exclusive way.