Topical Tiki - Monday, July 28th 2014

Decided I should get back into the practice of topical joke writing so... Here we go!

A group called Geeks for CONsent is saying that numerous female cosplayers have come to them with stories of sexual harassment at this past weekend's annual San Diego Comic Con. The top three complaints were being groped, being photographed without consent, and being asked if they would accept men into their "friendzones." 

Marvel showcased several props from their upcoming film Avengers: Age of Ultron including a shattered Captain America shield, which is supposedly unbreakable. Another reminder that anything can break, including your condom. 

Kylie (16) and Kendall Kardashian (18) were seen in a black and white photo partying with singers Trey Songs and Chris Brown. In a Twitter post Kendall explained that they weren't partying, they were taking their sister Kim's advice and interviewing candidates for their own sex tapes.

Sabina Altynbekova, a volleyball player from Kazakhstan is being criticized for her hotness, which is said to be a huge distraction from the games and the other players. Authorities say she is the first genuinely attractive woman to have been born there in over 50 years. 

A North Korean military official threatened a nuclear attack on the White House after a series of South Korea-US military drills took place. He said usually the drills alone wouldn't have bothered Kim Jong-un, except that the military insisted on blasting "America (F**k Yeah!)" while performing them.

Tomorrow the fifth Automated Transfer Vehicle (ATV-5) will carry double the load of the last ATV to the International Space Station. The reason for the added weight, experts say, is that the ATV will be carrying Honey Boo Boo and her mother so they can be the first white trash to be launched into the sun. 

Thanks for reading guys! Please follow me on Twitter (@CaptainAaarrrgh) and check out epictiki.com for more ludicrousness!