Tiki Talk Talk Show: Monologue Jokes 6/18/13

Google is planning to deploy a series of 30 high-tech weather balloons that will bring Wi-Fi access to people in remote areas of New Zealand. Finally Hobbits will be able to share their unique brand of foot fetish videos with the rest of the world. 

...Of course none of the people getting the Wi-Fi will even know or care that they are getting it until an Apple Store opens in Gondor.

A bank clerk in Germany “momentarily fell asleep” on the job, accidentally holding down the number 2 on his keyboard which caused $293 million to be transferred out of the bank. The manager of the bank said this was only slightly worse than the week before when the same clerk fell asleep in the cleavage of one of his customers.

...I recently had a similar problem when my wife found a $1300 bill for a 900 number. Apparently I fell asleep too, on my iPhone.  

Russian president Vladimir Putin says he did not steal Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s
Superbowl ring and that it was instead a gift. Putin went on to say it's odd that he only seems to receive gifts when he is surrounded by his KGB bodyguards Boris, Sergei, and Nikolai. 

On Wednesday tech luminary Marc Andreessen made a comment about Google Glass saying, “I think people are gonna find that they’re gonna feel basically naked and lonely when they don’t have this at some point.” I don't know about you but I can't wait to live in a world where all I have to put on before I go outside is a pair glasses. 

...He went on to say that it will be the last thing to take off before having sex thereby making it also the sexiest thing to take off.

A plane carrying former President George W. Bush was diverted to Louisville on Saturday night after the pilot reported the smell of smoke in the cockpit.  It was later determined that the smoke came from burnt cookies Bush was baking in his Easy Bake Oven.

To help market Man of Steel to Christian audiences Warner Bros. has been making an effort to draw comparisons between Superman and Jesus. Specifically their surrogate parents, special powers, and their ability to write brilliant editorials for The Daily Planet.

A YouTube video that recently surfaced shows Buddhist monks from Thailand flying on a private jet while wearing stylish aviator sunglasses and sporting luxury brand travel bags. While many Buddhists say they are outraged by this embarrassing scandal it's still nowhere near as bad as being Catholic. 

On Sunday night during Game 5 of the NBA Finals, rapper Jay-Z announced that his next album "Magna Carta Holy Grail" will be available for free 72 hours ahead of time to Samsung Galaxy users. In addition to the album Samsung will also be offering a free "smug look" download which can be worn in front of iPhone users while listening to the album. 

Thanks for reading guys!